Day 6. February 6th 2014

As irritated as I am that we got a foot of snow (remember yesterday's picture...see how clear the road is???), it will never fail to be beautiful.  With zero wind, our trees will stay perfectly encased in soft fluffy snow for days sometimes weeks.  A pristine winter wonderland.

...until...

...someone gets too excited about all the fluffy new snow...boys will be boys...Mom still got her relaxing bath that night, so I wasn't too annoyed to have to pull him out of the ditch ;-)

Day 5. February 5th 2014

 Our sun is coming back.  It's such a relief.  You prepare for it, and mentally tell yourself it's not a big deal.  MIND OVER MATTER.  Oh, it's not that easy.  Everyone is happy to see that golden sun earlier and earlier every day :)

I got to deep clean the upstairs (which NEVER fails to make me smile) and came across this bad boy.  Some awesome memories from just a short time ago.  One of the rare occasions the love of my life can let loose and relax and be silly.  When he is happy so is this girl!

Day 4. February 4th 2014

These two will never fail to make my heart happy.  Whew!

Day 3. February 3rd 2014

A turning point.
A gentle curve in a long boring straight road.
A break in the clouds.
A cushioned bench on a really long up hill walk.

 
Call it what you will, but today was a GOOD day.  A relief.

Bug had an incredibly successful 1st FULL day at school (7 hours worth).  Mom felt a touch guilty that I was sending her away like a rebellious teen getting sent to boarding school since I recognized her growing boredom of being at home in the mornings...maybe she was craving more Mom-time...  But then I realized as the day progressed, how little attention the Little Man had been missing out on.  We had conversations about pots and pans, and laundry, and we named everything we touched all day long.  I was able to get so much done during the day (housework and Journey Naturally work) that after I got Bug home from school I was free to spend more time with her than before! 

I'm taking this as reassurance that sometimes a path beginning with nerves doesn't always mean your gut is telling you it's the wrong path.  I need to learn to trust better.  If anyone includes me in their prayers, I request you send some up for my ability to learn to trust and have better faith.

Practice makes permanent, especially during the harder times!

Day 2. February 2nd 2014

I think today I truly didn't want to smile. It seemed cliche to do so...sadly.  Or maybe it didn't feel genuine because I was feeling so bitter in general.  At one point I found myself thinking, "how can I enjoy this if no one else has actively told me they enjoy me or what I've done all day?"  Wow.  Looking back on the day I deserved a big slap in the face.  Where does this pride come from?  Pride that isn't rooted in someone else, ugly pride in myself that has turned into entitlement...gross.  It's probably a good thing I didn't blog this day, and slept on these emotions a bit.  Because with a fresh mind I can tell myself there's nothing wrong with these emotions, they are normal and expected.  It's what we do with the emotions that bury us.  It's a good thing I didn't do anything to intensely, my actions probably would have been really misplaced if I had tried with much effort.  And now I'll stop beating myself up, because I know everyone has these days, we are allowed.  It's just a learning curve as to whether we can recognize it and react accordingly and appropriately. 

I couldn't be more thankful that I have a family that is patient and loves me!

The Start Of A New Journey

As a family we have been handed a huge plate of options, neither of which I'm thrilled about (all for different reasons of course), and this giant plate has become the source of much indecision and heart ache, and I can feel it starting to weigh me down. I'm sure these many new options will rear their ugly heads in due time as I sift through them one at a time...

Until I can wrap my head around this new and unnerving path we seem to be facing I'm going to make sure I can still smile, and recognize goodness and love and all those little things that make putting up with plates of crap situations well worth it in the end.

From experience I know that if I practice it, my mind and body will make it permanent. So on to practice. The practice of "hunting the good stuff" as the Army calls it. I just call it being optimistic. Monty Python has a catching little jingle that comes to mind - about always looking on the bright side of life (or death). If you know British humor, you are whistling the tune now...

My morning was trash, actually the spiral started Thursday when a very good friend fell and broke her arm. It just set in motion a feeling of slipping behind, unable to hold onto the commitments I have made to God, my family, friends, clients, and myself...but I had friends show their support by (whether they knew it or not) conveniently offering what I needed. Some of these friends were just down the road, others were thousands of miles away. But the offer to sit quietly with my husband and not worry whether someone was going to throw a fork across the table during dinner was perfect. Knowing my kids were equally happy was a weight off my shoulders.

And watching those friends whom I've built a history with over the years give something that I love a try even at the risk of looking silly, even if it's more for their benefit really, I found the attempt to relate to my love of yoga uplifting. I'm sure no one took a picture of their rear end specifically to make me smile, but it made me smile. Thank you for your selflessness :)

Finding The Reason

Christmas can be hard for a lot of people.  I've held a lot of my feelings in because I know they're no where near as intense as they could be - I have my husband this time around.  I've spent Christmas 7,000 miles from my best friend and love of my life.  He came home to me, so again, I shouldn't complain.  But I struggle, as this has been our third (I think, I may have lost count) Christmas in a row where we didn't go home to see our extended family.  This year we don't have anyone planning to visit like we did last year.  So it's been a very quiet Christmas, and that's been a little hard to swallow.  It has been stress-free, which is great, but no Christmas parties leading up to the big day...growing up, Christmas was 4-5 weeks of weekend get-togethers, Christmas tree hunting, cousin-only parties, family Christmas with 40+ people, cookie baking and house decorating to the sounds of Handel's Messiah.  I mainly miss the people.  But today I almost felt Christmassy... 

We took the kids to Christmas in Ice at the North Pole and played on the ice slides.

...Had our annual fudge and fancy coffee/hot chocolate.

At home I made Christmas cookie dough so we can make cut-outs tomorrow, the children made a huge mess on the kitchen counter with the bowl of pumpkin seeds they found.  Oh well, it kept them quiet-well not quiet, distracted is the better word.  The aftermath was a little ridiculous.  Yes those are pumpkin seeds scattered all over the floor, and yes, he is "frog-hopping" through them...

The best part was the impromptu Skype with my parents and my brother and his lady.  I got to clarify my cookie dough recipe, and MeMe got to read a few Christmas books to a semi-grouchy Bug.  And she got to "boop" everyone as we said our good-byes for the night.

I feel a little warm and fuzzy, but not quite like I feel I should.  I've been re-learning my Catholic faith and trying to focus on the fact that Advent (the month of December) is a build up to Christmas and the Epiphany (Jan 6th - I think).  Christmas isn't just one day, it's a month of preparation, making your heart and mind ready to truly understand what Christmas is.  Even if one isn't Christian I think it's a healthy habit to take time out of your year to stop and assess your "inner goodness".  Christmas to some is Christ centered, but to others it can simply be a time to be good to others and focus on the volunteering and smile more at everyone.  If our hearts and minds are in a good place because you spent 4 weeks giving of yourself and really reflecting on if your life is a happy one and making the changes you see fit, then that day of celebration on December 25th can be relieving and happy and joyous, you worked hard for 4 weeks and now you can celebrate how good it feels to be good and loving to others.  Right?  Am I way off base?  Not that I'm trying to turn Advent secular, maybe I am just trying to make Christmas more that just one day to the rest of the world.  Just with anything else, the more time you put in, the better your end product will be.

I'm working on an Advent Angel for next year, (similar to the Elf on the Shelf) but our Angel will introduce a character trait each day (humility, sharing, kindness, etc...) in the hopes that we can make ourselves better to help make the world we touch a better place.  

Merry Christmas Season.  Happy Advent.  Prepare your heart, your head, your soul, whatever you think you have.  It's just a good habit to get into, making your self better, don't fall into a rut of never looking in the mirror and making sure you're the person you always wanted to be.  Now is the time - now is the season!